The Pursuitist’s Ultimate Guide to Extravagantly Absurd Gifts for Your Favorite Wealthy Jerk.
At Pursuitist, we understand that every social circle has that one character – a wealthy friend with a personality as loud as their taste in décor. They’re that annoyingly obnoxious individual who views subtlety as an alien concept and embraces bling for the sheer, unabashed love of bling. As you wrack your brains for gift ideas for this class-A jerk, we at Pursuitist are here to shoulder your burden. We have painstakingly curated a list of the most absurdly expensive, pointlessly extravagant, and outright dumb gift ideas to delight your equally dumb affluent compadre. And remember, this isn’t your average Joe we’re shopping for – five gifts simply won’t cut it. He doesn’t have the patience to count, so we’re presenting 9 items. A nice, non-even number… Buckle up, as we dive into a world of luxury that defies logic and taste .
Diamond Encrusted iPhone – $2.7 million: Tailored for the one who can’t stand a regular phone, this iPhone shimmering with diamonds more serves as a showpiece than a means of communication. Ideal for the friend who demands their tech toys mirror their distasteful wealth, turning every mundane call into a spectacle of grandeur.
Gold-Plated Vacuum Cleaner – $1 million: As we dive deeper into the world of ridiculous luxury, up pops the 24k gold-plated vacuum cleaner from GoVacuum. This shiny household appliance isn’t just about cleaning; it’s about vacuuming your friend’s common sense and taste along with the dust. Cleaning has never been so ludicrously grandiose. How’s that for taking ‘cleaning up one’s act’ to a whole new level of extravagance?
Gold-Plated Toilet Paper – $1.3 million: Here’s an item that’s the absolute pinnacle of pointless prosperity. This gold-plated toilet paper transforms the most mundane act into a lavish event. Now, every trip to the loo will remind your friend of their bafflingly ridiculous spending habits. Who knew flushing away a fortune could be so literal?
Crystal-Encrusted Chess Set – $600,000: Perfect for the friend whose strategic prowess extends only to splurging on bling. With crystals encrusted all over, it’s a showy board that’s as impractical as it’s shiny, ideal for staging pretentious conversations. Knowing the difference between a checkmate and a stalemate? Optional when you’re this rich and vapid.
Gold Bicycle – $390,000: A glaring statement piece for the friend who likes to pedal their wealth everywhere. This gold bicycle is a marriage of ostentatious glamour and fitness, embodying your friend’s philosophy of ‘all glitter, no substance.’ A ridiculous price for a pair of wheels and a bell, but nothing’s too much for an ego-trip on two wheels.
Tiffany Everyday Objects – Up to $10,000: Transforming mundane items into ‘art’, Tiffany & Co.’s “Everyday Objects” range makes sterling silver tin cans, 18k gold paperclip bookmarks, and crystal balls of yarn symbols of laughable luxury. Ideal for those who get a kick out of turning the everyday into an exhibition of their extravagant wealth.
Designer Dog Collar – $150,000: Tailored for the high-rolling pet lover, this diamond-studded dog collar from I Love Dogs Diamonds comes adorned with 1,600 hand-set diamonds on 18-carat white gold. It’s a sparkling testament to the bond between a man and his best friend, and their shared love of excessive wealth.
Luxury Ice Cubes – $325 for a bag of 50: For the friend who likes their wealth on the rocks, Glace Luxury Ice Co.’s hand-carved, perfectly square ice cubes offer a chillingly expensive way to enjoy drinks. Each cube promises minimal dilution and maximum douchebaggery, making it the perfect choice for those who believe even their ice should be a reflection of their lavish lifestyle. PS. It’s still just water.
Supreme Brick – $200: Sold initially for $30, this literal brick from the high-end streetwear company Supreme is the epitome of paying for the name. It’s a playful nod to the absurdity of high fashion and a fitting gift for those who find joy in paying over the odds for… well, nothing of substance. This brick is as thick as their head.
While this list may seem outrageously extravagant, it’s designed with a specific individual in mind: the wealthy jerk with an over-the-top personality that has no taste. These gifts are bound to go over his head, spark annoying conversations, and be immediately forgotten. However, it’s worth noting that despite your best efforts, it’s possible that your friend might just regift these treasures back to you for Christmas. But hey, wouldn’t it be fun to get a gold-plated vacuum cleaner for the holidays? Remember, at the end of the day, it’s not about the price tag or the practicality, it’s about throwing your money away on somebody that’s not worth it and values style over substance. After all, what’s life without a bit of extravagance and annoyance? Happy shopping, Pursuitists!
